i light you in ways of fire
in these moments where i build
beyond what actually was
beyond the edges of what we touched
and what we left unnamed
we paint each other in theory
to define we
instead of who we are
i paint you into being
in strokes i can control
because becoming is frightening
and the unknown breathes too loud at night
i decide, in time,
how i think of you
not out of ego
but out of safety
out of the need to hold something still
we stand before each other
at the edge of this life
like something almost said
protecting ourselves
in the silence between words
enjoying
the closeness we don’t admit
diving
without knowing how deep it goes
deciding if we love
what we don’t know
or just the feeling of almost
and these are the things
running through my mind
half past midnight
when everything feels louder than it should
i look for you
beside windows
in reflections i call to
in glass that bends your shape
because sometimes i don’t see
i just speak
into the distance
into whatever we call this
hoping it answers back
they say our atoms are replaced
every decade
and some remain
hidden in places we don’t notice
in skin, in breath, in memory
so i wonder if you remember
how our touch feels
after all this time
if it lingers somewhere beneath you
i look for you in reflections
in memory and in reality
past the windows we drive by at night
raindrops on the sidewalk
puddles holding broken versions of light
the city repeating itself in pieces
if we are replaced
do you remember how it felt
or do we only remember the idea of it
every time i say your name
does it reach anything real
do those particles
do you think they remember
or do they just carry the shape of it
i sit in this
longer than you realize
longer than temptation can build
longer than silence should stretch
we lie to ourselves wondering
how to wander
without losing what we almost had
how to guide ourselves through
this life of ours
without naming what we were
and i remember
the shirt you wore
on that dark night
how it moved when you turned
your touch
the pressure of it
the way it stayed after
the wind
moving through us like it knew
the warmth
settling into my chest
the beginning of summer
when everything feels possible
the way our fingers interlocked
like they had done it before
we came running
too fast to stop
too soft to hold
like something already slipping
lips like red
pressed into moments we couldn’t keep
eyes as deep as blue
holding more than you said
sheets to the wind
nothing grounded
atoms in the sand
scattered but still near
lost but not confused
moving inside the time it’s been
like it never fully left
half past midnight
again and again
left to right
back and forth
it was our time
even if we never said it
i think we both made it out
alright
maybe just not the same