to write for you
is to find you—
to breathe inside the details
i write to uncover what lingers
the moments
the scatter of difference
the existence just out of sight
i find you in thought
in depth between you and i
i translate time
into fragments
into longing
you stand in doorways
screaming
learning
until the echo folds
and i finally let you go
i wonder if time finds you
between doors of hallways
longing devotion of memories
we leave each other in
i remember your face
i long for your skin atop my arms
the grasp of you
interlocking into me
and i feel you here
and i feel you everywhere
to read the pages
like chapters and victories
mercy chilling between
cubes of ice in piercing memories
and i find this
scabs on my back
sunburned yet bruised and frolicked
i find you here
between each blade of grass
they say it might be greener
yet i revel in the distance
time is of the essence
i burn the candles
exist in sin
to taste
i caress
words on sheets
the wind folds itself around me
like you once did in quiet hours
it carries the dust of your breath
and lays it in the corners of my ribs
in dreams i open doors
to rooms that do not exist
still i know where to walk
still i know where you stand
your shadow sways
in the rhythm of old light
and i step toward it
without knowing if i can return
some days i forget
only to remember more
the way you looked at me
like the sky was something we could touch
i find myself within consciousness,
begging to carve
a shape from the blur.
doors shift in motion—
some open,
some vanish,
some were never there.
i long to exist
in the hush of nostalgia,
where breath was lighter,
and silence sang
of what we once called real.
time, burnt and folded,
etches me in place—
each second a scar,
a whisper on skin
that no longer flinches.
i am reminded
by the splits in pavement—
even the earth
can’t always hold itself together.
yet here i stand,
cracked,
still listening
for a door that opens
in temperance,
in softness—
i waver through emotion,
blurred by conversations
with ghosts of myself.
existence in the pits,
books hurled in silence,
yet i remain.
i sit beneath
the hands of the man i once was,
holding lips
beyond the tick
of what we used to be—
together,
before time
stopped asking
if we were ready.
the rain bleeds
ice on sheets
blankets in twists
i could be
between a muse and a fence
buckled beneath
words and rhythm
new questions
blanket hesitation
i ring into
words i thought
you speak in night
and i feel nothing but
warmth in circles
longing in crevices
i fill the void with blood
of scars you left
on a riverside sunset
i feel in time
your words against my ribs
like nails on chalkboard
edges carved
left from right
and eyes sat
between sunset and midnight
words on a bed
emotions tampered
in the yellow tint of the eve
i spoke to you
in wind
in feeling
in the droplets on your window
i speak and i spoke
i reel and i follow
i’ll always remember
your face on the first
face on the last
how i said your name
how i forgave
the little things
the heartache
a stomach in daze
like velvet on fiber cloth
your twists
the pillows
our fingertips
still in motion
in a parallel universe
i plead into noise
the rope around my neck
i feel this—
a darkened opening,
holes in shallowness,
blends and vibrations,
your voice,
the tension.
pull it.
rip it.
the scabs of my neck,
the void of our truth,
the way you spoke in tongues—
how i feel you in intervals,
in revolving doors,
narcissistic tendencies
looping like static.
i touch the scars of my spine,
the vertebrae that seem
broken, missing,
as if each disc
remembers you
pressing down.
i mouth your name
into black ceilings,
into silence that folds.
there is no answer—
only breath,
tight and unfinished,
a pulse caught in wire.
i am stretched between
what you were
and what you pretended to be.
a body halved.
a ritual undone.
skin holding
what memory refuses to burn.
to find you in dreams,
i etch you.
the feeling of you
is ever so melancholy.
i remember your knees,
fumbling to be,
breaking to find
eyes of midnight,
butterflies
in the crest of the moonlight.
i find you
between doors of thursday,
stuck in daze of fumes,
consuming desire,
spinning on ice,
melting in the fire.
i wade into blue.
i can taste you,
salt of your skin,
the words,
harsh toxicity.
and i still wade
between rapids of conversation.
i extend into
your words against mine—
eleven years
to blend into.
i feel you.
the sound burns my skin,
your voice in the distance.
i reminisce.
we exist in moments—
in the past,
in the present,
in the future,
in the holographic universe.
i theorize you
in question,
yet without hesitation.
do we blend to move into?
do i close the doorway just to find you?
the clock strikes
a few past midnight.
i still feel you there—
in here,
in air,
between the mist
of everywhere.
to break between cracks,
the details of moments,
the beauty in evergreen everywhere.
a taste to feel
the vibrations of your skin,
sweat of your forehead.
i question in extension.
i feel the noise,
the thrusts of yesterday—
moments turned cold,
ice breaking,
water melting,
fumes of my years.
all that was said
was extended through moments,
years and constellations,
years of circling our conversation.
three words and a beat—
i told you,
i remind you,
i believed in you.
words hold meaning.
choose how you breathe.
accept words to find you
in time,
in flights,
in question,
in how you hold your breath
when you feel this again.
i lie into
the thought of you
broken by versions—
tempo and chaos
we divert into what we feel
we believe in time
all things eventually heal
yet healing is slow
like echoes in fog
half-heard, half-gone,
yet stringing us along
your name in the silence
fills more than the sound
i lose and i learn
each time you’re not around
in time i find existence
in the silence, i find resilience
learning to lean into
what slipped when i held on
in crisis, i found you
burning desire, hands interlocked
deep motions
chaotic breathing
i found books on shelves
wading and frolicking
notes on a beat
like you—
i wish i could keep
before our
sullen memories
i fade into thought
searching for touch in depth
twisting between
deep breaths,
hollow feelings,
darkness,
temptation and virtue
we spin in this
to transcend
i resist the excuse—
lies and emotion,
tempered vocals
i feel the hairs on your neck
pricks from my fingers
thorns in the cracks
darkened eaves—
i sense you reeling
do you feel it?
books on a shelf
dust at the tip of your mouth
you hold things close
yet too far to find—
depth in the middle of
how far you run,
how close you remain
we find ourselves in circles
revolving doors
learning to lean into what
hurts us most
this is how i exist—
this moment
is where i find me
learning beyond words
emotion and horror
texture
like napkins on my fingers
can you feel it?
i excuse your words
because time
has a funny way of holding:
the grasp,
the fingers,
the hold,
the interconnection
i find you in doorways—
revolving instead of growing
sometimes you exist in moments
some linger
a few move
but what i can’t understand
is how you move forward
yet fall backward
i feel you in past
i feel you in present
i feel you everywhere:
in the air,
in the eve,
in temptation,
in toxicity
i wake behind mirrors
not in them
just behind
the metal edges
where reflection goes bleak
i stood in clothes
that once held shape
but now hang loose
like questions
without marks
our sky forgot its hue
and i forgot
how i used to laugh
like a name whispered
before the lips could twist
words could transcend
i swallowed seasons
let moths rot in pockets
held too long
as if months could sing
yet i could never choose
the shadows talk
as if i’m still here
and i still nod
not to lie
but because i want it
to be far from true
i used to write
beyond cursive arcs
that spelled something
now it’s all lowercase
drifting
melancholy
like where
the sea meets the ocean
i feel in static
the vibrations
the sound
i blink
and sometimes the room
it doesn’t come back
i remember the smell of ice
the sound of lights
the cold
a hallway
a door
a version of me
leaving without speaking
yet i touch my face
as a stranger might
carefully
honestly
painstakingly
i hear the music
faint
too quiet
a lossless sound
maybe that’s me
finding shape again
i find you in doorways
beneath mats in the quiet evenings
on the floorboards of time
we bask in questions
just to feel
a sense of time worth living
i found essence in satin
a touch wrapped in uncertainty
frayed by absence
fingers undone
still time worth living
i ask you to ask yourself
does time ever feel
like words slipping from your tongue
rivers and lakes
drowning in their own depths
music keeps a beat
words fall
and still you believe everything
i surrender to you
to us
to the thought that belief
could turn left from right
shift beyond reason
twisting timelines
lemons sting
between my eyes
i always spoke
i always took
i always could
feel you
in my time
in my life
between the lines
in the freckles of your eyes
i loved you in theory
and theories
got the best of us
we danced until
we could but never would
i lift my aces
trace my edges
reach for what
might have been more than this
the fine lines of your lips
how a smile
could vanish
between midnight
and sometime
