there are things i repress, but here i confess
i’m scared you’ll die and i won’t know
i’ll eventually ask about you, unprepared
i’ll hear the news, you weren’t spared
i lie impared, i declare, i’ll always love our affair
playing with your hair, your stare
there goes a tear, i fear there are things i’m not aware
and things you hid, i feel like you held the lid tight
here i write, i fright, that you might…
i can’t say it outright, but i feel like you’re aware
of these things in my head, ‘cause as we laid in bed
as i secretly dread, all these things floating
because you didn’t want to be holding
this weight over my head
and i feel like i’m coating, but i don’t want to be probing
or cloaking, but you left me soaking, here i am eroding
coping and hoping i won’t hear this news
about my muse
-
i know you’re scared
i know i went there
i know it’s not fair
feels like i’m in times square
no one’s aware
and there’s no open air
felt like i was walking on air
but sitting in an electric chair
guess i should prepare
for despair
next time i’ll watch so i don’t scare
sit in my black chair
try not to compare
everything to your debonair
i swear, i declare
the next love affair
won’t feel like a questionnaire
won’t sit in a swivel chair
it’ll take till next year
i’ll veer
make sure it’s all clear
shift the gear
now for something sincere
i hope you take care -
have you ever wanted to wake up ugly, be nothing
be bloody, live in the country, secluded
be chubby and eat when you’re hungry
have a pet monkey, be funny and have no money
no longer be in the company of puppetry
‘cause i think it sounds lovely to essentially have nothing
maybe that’s crazy and maybe that’s lazy
but i go crazy and just want to run through african daisies
’cause this life is hazy and i just want something amazing
and by amazing, i don’t mean hell raising, only embracing
we’re aging and maybe this sounds insane
but i have a brain and i don’t want to ride a train
i want to feel my veins and live… ok? -
met you and your friends in venice, rooftop hotel erwin
they looked me up and down, asked my intentions
asked a few questions and i stood there, smiling ear to ear
nervous, but i was certain, i finally found courage
i saw a purpose, no longer felt worthless, i stood close
i froze, ‘cause i’ve had lows and this, i didn’t know
but it felt so good, i didn’t know it could, i didn’t know it would
sat close as we ate dinner, in my eyes, i knew you were a winner
this is what it felt like, no longer alone and bitteri lied in your lap as we watched tv
and in my mind, i was beyond free, no longer debris
stroked my chest, i was so impressed, you were so beautiful
i sat so delusional, so in lust, ’cause it only just begunwalked down venice way, holding on to you, i drank the venom
smiling, laughing, and happy, i wanted this so badly
i was truly happy, this only ever happens in movies
this was pure beauty, the love was cruelty
and i stood at my car door, kissed your lips and knew
i just knew, this was everything i wished -
blow the smoke in my face, let me taste the rain
i love this pain, this day, feeling this way
the chain, the restrain, i live in vain
everything i do is profane, you can’t constrain
i live for the fast lane, this life, it’s not public domain
these veins, they’re inhumane, this brain, it’s insane
sip my champaign and snort my cocaine
you complain, but i can’t explain how it feels to reign
this is my train, this is my terrain
i’ll never understand how to be humane
i live to obtain, to entertain, to stand in this acid rain
this is my brain, this is my day, this is my battle
i don’t restrain, look at how many i’ve slain
i will not refrain so have a good day -
i stand in the shower, tears fall, they blend
i don’t know, i gave in, but all i knew was you
and that was through, i might as well be too
drops fall from my face as i try to construe
i gaze out the window as i lather shampoo
i wonder, how are you?
lean back and rinse, i go under
in lieu, i try to find comfort, but all i do is wonder
my mind thunders of you, i buckle under the pressure of losing you
i sit, the water spits, i treasured and i never, i surrender…
the weather gives me a lecture, clever professor
all i want is the adventure, come together
but this cold weather, it makes me remember september
the temper, it rises and my hands find my head
i look down, i can’t even stand
i understand, i guess nothing ever goes as planned -
not so glamorous, living so frivolous, it’s hideous
the vividness begins to fade yet the day remains
these names, they decay, these chains, they hold veins
strains, they claim, day after day, these pains
you don’t know pains, they feel like flames, and boy
i’ve framed and i have restrained, there’s no need to explain
i know this game and this pain, it sustained and it claimed
i won’t be named, blamed or defamed… i don’t feel shame
i hope you know i can’t be tamed -
occasionally crazy, occasionally lost, occasionally moody
bipolar to everything, aimlessly looking for a fatality
shamelessly and ever so blatantly hoping one day, i’ll faithfully return
take a turn, feel no burn, the feeling will be worn and i’ll be reborn
the concern is no more and in return, i feel so much more -
play with the gun, why do you shun
everyone and everything, where’s the fun
why do you always run, what have you done
this isn’t enough, i guess you won
black swan, come on, why can’t you catch on
your spawn, it’ll live on, but will you turn on
i see this mixture, it burns, but in return, i learn
forewarn, i’ve seen it born, i’ve slammed the horn
the firstborn, did he adore, i wonder if he mourned
i wonder if he scorned and that’s how you formed
is that why you transformed because he viciously adjourned
you know i came with chivalry, i thought of you frequently
and respected you brilliantly and will to infinity -
there are words on my skin that talk about who i am
vivd detail of where i’ve been and when
i’ve sinned, a young sin and it hides within
eventually i’ll knock it down like they did in berlin
i’ll no longer thin, the sound in my head won’t din
lose the feeling of “don’t” and alone, the tone, it fades
the moan… it postpones and the blade that weighed
sways away, falls to the shade, it decayed
the fear, being afraid, it’s essentially paid
a tirade within will no longer play, no longer throw
the grande within my soul will close
good bye, black hole
